At my big age.
I will be turning 29 in a few weeks! Can you believe it? 29?! When was I 17, in that confessional telling the priest some of my struggles and he was like “and you say you are 17?” “17?!!”? I don’t even know why he was screaming.
Anyway, *snaps fingers* we are here to talk about me, now, almost 29.
I turned 28 on the 19th of April 2023. I was depressed for most of December 2022 but thankfully, I entered the new year with some hope. This hope kept building until my birthday. When I got depressed, that was my first time. In the past, I have been the one that men and women shared with, the one whom people trusted to listen without judgment. Somehow, I always managed to check in on them at the right time without eliciting any feelings of shame, guilt or regret within them. Or at least, that’s how I felt. Wait, no, they all said that. Then, I got depressed (I have had more episodes too) and I couldn’t tell anyone. I didn’t even think I was depressed. My mum and sisters though, they knew.
In March of 2023, a few days after my father’s birthday, he was involved in the ghastliest accident ever. He came face to face with death and I came face to face with the fact that I was my father’s first child- daughter- and I had no one else to make tough decisions for me. Not like I hadn’t been making tough decisions all my life; not like my mum and sisters weren’t right there with me, but when the call came through, and the doctors needed to read out all the many consent forms for the surgeries, possible blood transfusion and the grafts, it had to be me, you know? My mum and sisters and the mercy of God though. What would I do without them?
Okay, so I turned twenty-eight and my friends, Wanna-Be-friends and pretend-friends showed some love. But that was only the start. I am a deeply introspective person as you know if you’ve been following this blog but twenty-eight has been a nightmare. I haven’t only introspected, I made it my mission to free myself from patterns which my other years of introspection had identified and highlighted. You see, my sister echoed a quote once: doing the same thing over and over expecting the results to be different is madness.
Balance, yea?
I have always been capable of detachment from anything or anyone and it has saved me time and time again from being lost to loss or disappointment, disrespect, et cetera. However, this year, I flipped the coin. I looked on the other side. I realized that in some ways, this makes me a quitter. This realization, by myself, you have to admit? real hot girl shit. I quit. A job that’s stifling me? I quit. That friendship where I have exhausted myself repeatedly expressing my needs but not having them met? I quit. That skill I started to learn but got stuck cos I needed a partner, well, put that on hold for me. This is more complicated than you think though because there are aspects of this that are about acceptance, self-preservation and other stuff but please stay with me. Some situations were sticky though because I gave them too many chances in the bid to be more patient, another tiny aim of mine for twenty-eight. Balance, yea?
A few other things which have become apparent are that indeed I am a foodie; I might not care much for cooking, but I do like to eat well. I am also hella petty, and not as patient as I thought I was. No idea how I am quite tolerant but quite impatient simultaneously. I am a little too lazy for my own dream and I am fairly left-handed.
This year has been the year I have made my biggest bucks ever too; I gave someone a befitting dirty slap too and I realized that understanding the need for strong boundaries is not the same as enforcing them. Knowing your triggers- knowing your boundaries is a different story from enforcing them. This is why you might be actively doing the work on yourself and still be ending up with the same/similar outcomes.
My grandma also died after Valentine’s this year and would you believe that for the first time in my whole life, I am thankful for my ancestors in a personal way? I mean I have heard a good number of the stories of people who have come before me, but I never met or knew them. Therefore, while I have been thankful for them and all that, this is the first time it doesn’t feel like dipping my foot in unknown waters. I don’t want to say more than that.
I have per usual lost friends and gained some. I also deliberately adjusted my relationship with the exes from this particular year. So rather than excommunicating them, I kept the line open. Thus, they aren’t blocked or anything but we are not texting. Accountability helped with this; I have started seriously and honestly accepting the role I played in these things. Plus, I have tried keeping exes at a distance, now I just want to try keeping them around. To each their own, yea?
I have done less yoga this year, but I have also done more walking, I bettered my breathing technique and I started Muay Thai. My mission going into this twenty-eighth year was to be more present…less procrastination, more talk and do on the spot. I did it. For my twenty-ninth, the goal is to say less and less negative things with my mouth. A few others but they are a secret. God willing, I also want to further exercise my capacity for balance. I am pretty good at it in some areas of my life, I just want it evenly spread…spreaded? spreadt? I’m kidding!!
A wholesome year if you ask me. Twenty-nine is nearly here and I am feeling twenty-fine. Cheers🥂
Don’t forget to clap for this entry to give it better visibility. I would love to hear your thoughts as well. Hopefully, my writing gets better this year because I don’t know how you guys understand a word I say. Also, PS, by exes, I didn’t only mean romantic exes.
