I can’t even give this a proper title.

I’m still giving to get and I don’t know how to stop.

I don’t think I fully understand the concept of giving. I used to think I did but my lack of understanding of the matter has been glaring all month. Usually, this is something I’d like to discuss with my man but I think I’m ashamed😂 boy! I don’t remember the last time I felt shame…this much shame. However, the Holy Spirit won’t let me rest so, shame or not, we are talking about this.

Of course no body knows about it but I know it’s there because I’m my own springboard and my own accountability partner, as unbelievable and unpractical as that sounds. Which brings me to why I’m writing about it in the first place: I’m clueless about how to resolve this.

I know how God speaks to me. He starts by making me question my choice on something and then the signs start to become clear: Some people I respect begin to mention it or say things that relate to it in passing or the day’s devotional is surprisingly 🙄 about it or someone calls me out on it. This is actually the order and it’s never gotten to the latter because I tend to be the someone.

I used to take pride in giving happily and freely and never begrudgingly- especially my time, knowledge, and help but I’m not so sure anymore. It never mattered to me who was watching- in fact, I prefer to give in secret. I’d celebrate my friends where they could see and sometimes on platforms that they wouldn’t see. I joined an NGO because I really want to serve in that capacity but I didn’t post about it on LinkedIn or anywhere because I didn’t want to talk about it. I just wanted to be about it. I forgive the most heartbreaking hurts done to me by people I thought could hold it down for me and the next person is asking me how I do it. (This happens all the time.)

I have no reason to celebrate my people, I mean I don’t need one; I just do it because I like how it makes me feel. I like it. And I have never cared. But I’ve started slacking be I have had to force myself to return energy these days. I’m on that do me I do you path with most people (I’m saying most people because there was a group of others whom I couldn’t bring myself to do this with because of how much I love them). So I just take time off and deal with whatever upset me, and actually let it go, even without an apology or something.

Yet whenever there’s a reason to celebrate me, they ghost. In my face. Consistently.

Anyway that’s not my problem. That’s out of my control and out of my control things have stopped being my problem. My problem is that I ever allowed myself to become corrupt by this thinking. Why did I think the do me I do you route would be good for me? First of all, I’m a softie. I’ll always break and forgive! Maybe I just desperately needed to feel wicked.

I don’t know. All I know is that it’s not working for me because it’s started to affect other parts of my life. Especially this April. I haven’t applied myself and that graciousness that God endowed me with as much as I have in the past few months. This is a problem for me because inner me won’t let me sleep. She’s haunting me and laying my fuck-ups before me every where I turn.

I have been about me so much I haven’t been as present as a daughter or sister or employee and even as a girlfriend (this isn’t the current term to describe my situation but we’ll go with it).

I should feel bad about chasing my own sanity and welfare but I do.

My over analytical mind can’t stop asking me if I’m sure, if I have no doubts. “Are you sure you aren’t assuming?” “Are you sure you should be assuming?”. Etc

I don’t knowwwww!!! All I know is that I want peace and sanity. I want to open my phone and not be triggered by anyone and it’s my responsibility to ensure that. So maybe I’m good and I should just see this as MY time: time for me, about me and me alone. This isn’t practical if I’m being honest but I’m sure apostle Paul would understand if I could ask him right now.

I don’t know…maybe I’m stressed.

I don’t even know if this will make sense to you but I hope it does so that you can either give me some counsel in this time or use this for counsel in times to come.

I been don dey pray for that spirit of wickedness, sey make e fall on me. like play like joke, I been don dey order the bottle, dey pop the pills for WhatsApp status. And e don finally come😭 I mean it’s either that or this is some knee-jerk response to some anxiety I don’t know about. I either need to identify if there’s an anxiety trigger somewhere or it’s just time to fight this thing back to hell.

Anyway, maybe I’m just stressed.

XO!